Umm I'm too high to move.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
