Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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