Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
