that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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