I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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