Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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