I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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