Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
