He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
