i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
