So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
