sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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