I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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