my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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