the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize