I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
