Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
