You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
