cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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