i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dignity is for republicans.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
