Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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