i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
