I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
