I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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