I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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