so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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