I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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