We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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