remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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