After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
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