My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
