I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
