i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
