yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
