Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
