did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
