It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
