Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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