how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
