i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
