i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
