if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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