Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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