I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
