After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
