I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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