We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
