Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i think i have two assholes
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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