I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
