Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
