i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
