A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
