Betty ford says i'm here all night
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
