So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
