I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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