I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
