My Higher Power is John Stamos
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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