He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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